Stop feeding my demons.

Do you know what I find horrible? 

    When you are already feeling down and icky. You know? Just one of those moods that you sometimes get stuck in? While you feel this way, people from everywhere seem to make it worse. Whatever happened to a little understanding among humans?? I am human, you are human WE ARE ALL HUMAN....Why do we continue to judge people based on the little facts we think we know about them? I can not begin to understand why. It seams like every time I am feeling down or going through a rough faze, people love to talk about me. They love to say things behind my back. They tell everyone else they issues with me....except me..... This I do not understand. I am not one of those people that leaves issues unsolved. I can not solve an issue if I am not aware of it. So this is when I say: Stop feeding my demons! I am already hard enough on my self, with my looks and my weight. I already worry about what people think about me. I don't need people to talk about me behind my back. If you have an issue say it. Don't talk about it with everyone else but the person you have it with. I cant stand it. I know I am venting, people will probably judge for that. Oh my gosh she has feelings??! HOW HORRIBLE. ugg. Kinda makes me sick to my stomach.
I guess no one cares to take the time to get to know me and better understand why I do what I do. I have been threw so much in my life and don't need people judging me for it. I dont judge people, I get to know them as a person. I can't do that if they don't give me that chance.I know everyone has a story to be heard. I respect that. Why cant I get that back? I guess I don't understand........I am human. I am not perfect. I do not want to be. I accept people how they are. I have an open mind. I just don't understand what some people find so wrong with me?
As you can see I am not having the best week. I feel like all I am getting is bad news. Its the kind of week where you want to hide under a rock and just stay there. Forever.

 

This is me and my Grandpa Castor, I must have been about five or six years old. My Grandpa was an amazing man. He started a business and helped so many people, with what he had. I miss him a lot this week. I don't know whats got it on my mind but, I miss him. I went and saw his grave sight today, it's been forever since I have been. It felt good to go, I was having a horrible day and I got there and say down in front of his grave. A wind blew and a calm seamed to come over me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I regret not telling My Grandpa how much I loved him. I am often upset I never got to say good bye because he suffered a sudden illness.....Death is such a hard topic to discuss and many people probably hate to read about it. I am not trying to stir up feelings of sadness or, pity. I am simply sharing. I was so excited when my cousin found this picture on her computer. I added the words and the heart. I love how we are standing, we look so over whatever it is that is going on. When I look at this picture, I see the old army jeep that took us on so many adventures. My cousins and I would pile in the back and my grandpa would take us mudding in the woods. We all held on and laughed so hard and had a great time. I remember one time when we where done with our adventure all of our faces where covered in mud! It was so awesome! These memories are the ones I hold dear to my heart and make me smile when I think of them. Some days I wish I could just go back, and relive one of those memories and tell him how much fun I had with him.Hopefully he just knew, by the smiles on our faces how much fun it was.

I love you Grandpa <3

It's been too long!

Hello everyone!

It's been way to long since I have written!!

I graduated from LNA class a couple weeks ago!!

I am well on my way to getting a new very decent job :) I am so excited and I must say proud of myself!!

I did something I thought I could never ever do!! 

I have been completely humbled by the whole experience....To see people who have no choice but to let others take care of them....its completely humbling. It has taught me to never judge another for the disabilities they may have or the way they may act. No matter what they do, they can't help who they are or how they are. I have found something that lets me use all of my gifts. This makes me think of how many people I have known, that do not know how to use there gifts.

If you have been given a gift, an ability or something special use it!! It is meant to be shared and used ! I am thankful I have been taken down a path where I can use mine. Its feels fantastic!!

Go out there and see what life has to offer!!

Persevere

Persevere: continued effort in spite of discouragement.
This word has been stuck in my mind lately. That is mostly a good thing because it's reminding me to never stop on this journey I have begun....to never give up no matter how hard it may be. Keeping my eyes on the goal and not worrying about the things on the side lines. When things get stressful it's human to want to give up, quit run away. We instantly  think we can never achieve what we set out to do in the first place. The word persevere keeps us going, this is what we must do in challenging times. We cant let the upsets win or get in our way. I continue to Persevere to become an LNA and continue my education after that...it's not always easy there have been days where I doubt myself and begin to wonder if I can do it at all. The word persevere and putting it into action is helping me to get threw to do what I need to do to achieve happiness and success.  In the long run, I am so proud of myself for how well I have done and how far I have come. three more weeks and I will be done, able to take the state test and officially   call myself an LNA. I can't wait, I know this will bring me to better things and put me on the right path. 
Hope you enjoyed reading :)
Heather.

No ones choice but YOURS

Life is: funny, confusing, amazing, inspiring, mean, loving and stressful.
Do any of us really know why we are here or if what we are doing is "right"? 
I don't know the answer to that question and I don't think anyone ever will. But why stress about if what your doing is right?? If your happy with what your doing then that means it's right because your happy with it....When I went to church people would always stress over...am I on the right path, is this what I am suppose to do? What about what makes you happy?? Sometimes in life there are things you HAVE to do to get by that don't make you happy....but if your looking for happiness while doing them you'll be okay I'm sure of it. I think if you just live your life and are a good and honest, loyal person well ...then I'm sure fate will bring you where you are suppose to be. 
So it's not really about doing the right thing for anyone else...it's about you and what makes you happy....what makes you feel you are fulfilled in life....It's not about asking anyone else if it's right.... its about trial and error until you really know in your heart you are happy with your life. Same goes for finding the right friends....the right person to spend your life with...There is no one that is just going to send lighting bolts from the sky to point you in the right direction...yea there may possibly be someone who is beyond us in some way ..we can talk to and ect. 
In the end no one can tell us the right direction ...it's up to us to find it and know where we are happy....no one else can tell us. If your not happy or wont ever be happy with it...it's probably not right..... 

Her pitch.

She holds her Fate, her life in her hands. She holds it on the pitchers mound of choice and decision....

She wonders if she makes the toss....where will it land....will it land where she hopes it will? She looks to the stands she sees her family, and loved ones watching her...cheering her on,supporting her for her next toss. She sees people who have done her wrong behind the fence yelling words of doubt and hate, telling her no matter how she throws that ball, or how hard she tries she will not make it. She looks to the sky the sun shines in her eyes as the clouds part. The voices of doubt start to diminish and she smiles at them. They stop with there words of doubt and look down they know, that she will no longer listen to there hateful words. She pulls her hand up, she holds her fate in her hands..she knows that this pitch means everything to her....she knows that where it goes is where life will take her. She swings her arm back and tosses the ball with everything she has in her. 
Her Fate is taking off. 

Goin' a ghost huntin'!

So, tonight I am going ghost hunting with some of my closest friends. Sounds crazy right? But I thought about  it and figured, it could probably be interesting! Maybe we will find something interesting or something worth while.... All the shows where they go "ghost hunting" interest me and I figured you only live once so why not do something kinda crazy once and a while?? I hope I get information from this trip and not a fear and a better understanding on what the spirits want or maybe why they have been left behind. I am confident at whatever happens I will live threw it lol and probably even be fascinated by it ...who knows! shall be interesting!! A couple more hours until we head out...trying to stay awake and keep my energy up...wish me luck!! 

The path isen't always clear but you'll find it.

Well, This week I have began my LNA classes. Here I go a whole new adventure!!
  With a new adventure comes, excitement, Anxiety , insecurities and wondering where it will bring you!
I feel all of those things I also feel fear that I  will not pass or I wont take to it and all of my dreams will fall apart again. But, I am working on putting those feelings behind me, with a new experience I will bring along  new feelings. This for me is a challenge, I have always doubted myself...I have come along way with this and am working to get over it and become successful. Everyone knows to have positive results you must think positively.
 Before I started this class I promised  myself I was done loosing, done not being proud of myself, done wondering where I was going. This time I am doing everything in my power to make sure I am on the right path.. I will not stop until I get where I am going, I will be happy with my career and achieve everything I want and need to!
I also want to speak to the fact that I am very lucky to have so many people behind  me while I do this. I have an awesome Boy friend, amazing parents and wonderful friends! For this I feel so blessed...and know that where ever my path brings me these people will have my back. They will support me and be proud of me and know I will achieve.
So here I go to achieve success :) see you on the other side.

one of those days...

Do you ever have those days where you feel like you can't get anything right? You aren't sure you ever will? 
I will be honest..I do  a lot of people judge me from what they know or hear or perceive me to be. They take just what they see or know and judge me on that....they don't take time to get to know the inside of me.... They don't think about why I may act a certain way...or maybe something they say or do hurts me inside....they dont know why...they don't bother to ask.....
 I guess that's life....Some people will never take the time to get to know why you tick or why you act a certain way. It's sad sometimes you care so much about someone and they don't do you the favor of really getting to know you. It makes me loose hope...I have had people I considered my close friends that didn't really know me. I knew they wouldn't understand....I didn't keep them around though. I knew it wasn't worth it. 
it's hard when someone who is close to you has someone they are close to ...that you have no choice but to see the good in them, even when they don't do the same for you...but because of who they are in the relationship they must get respect no matter what....or you would probably be considered rude and unworthy. Why don't these people give that same kind of respect back? I don't really understand that....why is no one there to stick up for me when i would always be there for them.  I am just venting of course ...but you know it's true.....I think no matter who you are in a relationship you deserve respect.....because if not given respect you will be down for more days then you are up.
Hope you enjoyed even though it was a bit down today.
Until later........

Change&Fate

Change, is really hard for most people.. Change though I have come to learn is very necessary. 

 Weather it's realizing who your real friends are, getting hurt just to find out, or maybe it's choosing a whole new career path in life. 

I have gone threw both recently and I am so happy and willing to accept this change that fate has brought, I trust fate and will let it lead me where I need to go...Monday I start LNA classes a whole new journey...something I've never done before. I look forward to this new journey and have confidence that I am going in the right direction. 

I am comforted by the fact that I have some amazing people in my life to support me when things get hard. I have a wonderful family, friends and an amazing boy friend....a few things I know will not change. Fate sometimes takes us  on a wild ride and it's those people who understand why we do what we do ....and that sometimes fate or the right thing drives our choices....it's those people that fate will always keep around. Those are the people that help shape us, support us and always have our back no matter what. 

Those people in my life...support the good in others and know that I make choices for the best. They know that sometimes I need a little picking up when I am down. For all those people I will always be here....Threw all the change that fate brings us threw. 

Hope you enjoyed....hope to blog more. 

Until next time...:)

  Tonight I have life on the brain, tonight I am an Aunt for the second time( I am so very happy about this :) ) .
When a child comes into the world they are so fragile and helpless. There brains and there physical body, have so much growing to do and so much depends on the parents they have. I am glad to be surrounded by people who are good parents, people who care for the well being of the life they have created.  
Something that gets to me is when people do not care for the well being of there children...people who do not mold there minds or make them feel safe..... in turn all the children learn is distrust and hate....and sometimes they don't survive. I can't help but think how it's not fair...why do they have to go threw all the hate when there is so much love for them in this world??  I guess it's one of those things in life that we will never understand and never have the answers to...Its one of those things I have a really hard time with...I think that every child, needs love ...think about how different this world could be if every child grew up in a loving environment ...they would know how to love others and think of there feelings and well being. The world and life would probably be less complicated and a whole lot less scary. So, all those people who preach world peace and end war and ect...should probably be thinking about how they are raising there children, if the other children are safe in this world and that they are being raised in a safe and loving environment. Maybe instead of standing on the square with a sign that says peace, they could be a foster parent, or they could teach there child how to accept the little boy who comes to school with ripped clothes on because his parents don't have the money to buy him nice clothes like they do, or to not pick on the little girl with a black eye because who knows how it got there...  They could donate clothes to help children who don't have parents who care to buy them anything they need...and maybe threw these actions they could touch at least one life...one life that will grow up more understanding and a little bit more caring towards others. 
That's all I got for now ! Have a good night everyone.
Heather.

July 2nd

Well today's my birthday, the big 21....if you think about it the years fly by right before your eyes. Not sure what else to say right now so bye for now :)

People Talk

Something that really gets to me is: When people talk behind your back ....even when they are supposed to be your very good friend. I will admit I have had my moments where I am upset and say things......but I will not trash talk to just trash talk. If you have something to share with someone say it to them not to someone else and not in a nasty way that makes them question weather you honestly like them or not. When people talk about me it really gets to me...I honestly wish it didn't....I always try to remember that people will always talk and the important thing is to be myself and just keep living my life. When someone who is close to you though talks about you....it is much harder to let go....any suggestions of how I can deal with this better?

Auto Immune Disease&Me....

Auto Immune Diseases effect my life in a large way I have two that I currently know of and I have decided to talk about them because it is something you will probably hear about often  in my blogs because it's a big part of who I am. The first One I was diagnosed with is: Hypothyroidism this is when the thyroid (located in the neck) does not produce the right hormones to keep the body working properly I have taken meds for this since I was 11 years old. 
Celiac  Disease is my bigger burden to bare Celiac Disease is when your small intestines can not process the proteins found in wheat,barley and Rye and sometimes oats unless they are packaged correct. If someone who has Celiac continues to eat gluten it can cause many many health problems as life goes on.It is also very painful and unplesent... It can also cause cancers. I work very hard to remain gluten free, it can be very stressful and frustrating when trying to find a place to go out and eat. I constantly feel like a burden to those around me because I need special treatment or my food needs special prep. The food that is gluten free is also much more expensive but does not taste as good. I have been gluten free for 3 years. There is no pill, and no cure but to eat a gluten free diet.

My Climb

I'm done sitting on the sidelines watching other's achieve what I want so badly. I'm reaching out with confidence that I will succeed.

No more settling for less then I can accomplish. I will reach my goals and be happy with what I am doing every day in my life. I will not stop until I climb that Mountain. I will reach the very top of it. When I fall I will reach out to friends and family to remind me that I can get back up and start again. Sometimes I may take a wrong turn. The path I thought I was suppose to take may seam like it will reach the top of the mountain but it only comes to a dead end and I may have to turn around. Starting on a new path is where I am heading right now searching for that path that will lead me forward and not leave me stuck in the mud. I am taking the new path in life no matter how different or scary it looks I'm taking it because I want to reach the top of this mountain. 

Something I wrote one day for my boyfriend that was saved on my computer.

One

    When I look into your eyes I see the pain your going threw. It makes me want to cry and just take it all away from you. The pain you feel I feel too we share a heart and you  know it’s true. So take my hand and let me hold you close, I want to ease your pain and remind you, you are not alone.

    We’ve all got our burdens and I see how you carry yours, like a heavy wait on your shoulders barring down upon your world. Its like a giant wave washing over us, we feel like we will never get back up. This giant wave has pulled us under, We feel it has us beat, but then we remember we’ve got each other and it‘s so sweet.

    I look up and see this mountain ahead of me you seam to be on top reaching down for me. I feel that I never will reach the peak of where I’m going when I seam to loose my way your right there beside me and your love is showing. Sometimes I feel like this world is crashing down on me I think it’s time to give up and all my demons are getting me. I turn to you and your arms get me threw all the dark places that my mind leads me too.

    Life comes at us from all corners, it tries to split us up with daily weight and burdens its like a gravel road filed with mud and muck. If we stand strong like a rock and stare  it in the eye together its not going to win and everything will get better. Stay strong with me and someday all will be good, don’t let life get you down or think you aren‘t good enough. I’m nothing with out you and your nothing with out me. Together we are unchangeable unbeatable, unstoppable.

My first Blog

Hello all,

Or anyone who cares to read this. I am trying this out because I am someone who loves to share my thoughts and loves to wright. I hope that I can connect with others who love to share and wright also :) I hope you enjoy! Know that some days I may express things that you may not agree with..but know that is part of who I am I am always honest and myself. thanks for reading :D