Vitamin D :)

If any of you reading this are like me, you need the sun to feel alive and happy and to keep you going. I refer to myself as a salamander...You know how they lay out in the sun to gain energy? 

 Around here in good ole' New Hampshire its been a few weeks that it has not been so bright and cheery. Winter does that sometimes. 
This week it was like; BAM the sun has been out every day, the sky a gorgeous invigorating blue that reminds me life is oh, so beautiful! It reminds you that life; is like a work of art...you might have an idea in your head of how somethings going to turn out but then, it turns out to be a bit different........it did not form into you original "design" it still looks just as nice  though if not better, then you had pictured. 
A sunny day reminds me; even when everything does not go the way I "planned" That fate is taking me right where I need to be. Life may not be following my "blue print" that I have slowly created in my mind .... I have learned, life can not have a blue print or a thought out design because, it is never going to end up how you have planned. Little things are always going to pop up ....causing you stray a little bit of a different way or, lead you to a whole new path. 
A gorgeous clear sky with the beaming sun during the day and glowing moon and stars at night remind me that, there is more to this plan and this path then little old me. It makes me feel good that even when things are really hard there is always hope...the sun will always come out again. The moon will always shine brightly at night leading me to positive change. 

Change is most always hard but it is necessary just like, those cloudy yucky days are necessary. They give our earth water, and they can remind us how wonderful a clear sky can be:)  
So next time you find yourself enjoying a bright sunny day remember to be thankful for that day, and find hope in it, that fate is taking you right where you need to be!! Oh and soak up that vitamin D!
Thanks for reading:)
Have a sunny day!!!

"Bad week Hangover"

Have you ever had one of those weeks, the ones that just seam to get worse as they go....Well I guess that was mine last week as you could tell from my post last night. 
I hate that I post more when I have a lot going on...I don't mean to sound negative I guess, it's just how I run, how I vent, how I get things out. 

This week I have "Bad week hangover" it's when all the bad crap that happened a few days before floods your brain for the next several days. 

I also happened to have lost my great Aunt from cancer Saturday, so the funeral will as always bring all of that up again. 

Like most people will say, that is part of life. The part of life that really in a word Sucks. No ones wants to say good bye, no one was ready to, no matter how much you know it's coming it makes it no easier it still hurts like hell.

Last week my trust was broken by someone who promised I could trust them ... Someone I was helping out. They pretended to be someone they weren't and stole 1800 dollars from  me....which is in all honesty money I do not have. I don't want to go into to detail on this but, it was a lesson I didn't want to learn that way. I am still very upset that someone could just take my money from under me like that and not get into trouble...it sickens me to the core that there are people out there like that, doing that every day ...to people who barely are getting by. I guess when I said I couldn't trust people I was right.

"Bad Week Hangover" sucks, you don't sleep well...every little thing that happens makes you want to burst out into tears and you feel like a babbling idiot. You might not want to talk to people as much as normal...you may not feel as chipper. The last thing you want to do is hear your alarm go off to get up for work in the morning.

If you have ever had "Bad week hangover" before you know what you have to do to deal with it. Just like I know what I have to do. 

I know in the long run I'll be fine and life will go on no matter what. I also know that I have amazing strong people surrounding me to help me a long. I also know that my family is there for me and is going threw this loss with me. 

  I can't begin to explain how it feels to see someone pass away, it's in a sense a feeling of gratitude that your there with that person, but also feelings of helplessness because no matter what you do, you can't bring them back...you can't fix them, you can't help them...all you can do is watch and cry your heart out for them. You keep thinking there going to turn there head and look at you...you keep waiting for there chest to rise and fall no matter how much you hope and pray...it doesn't.

Bad week hangover sucks I just hope things get better from here. I am in a great need of "better"

Until next time, I hope you are well and if you've ever had "Bad week hangover" Know your not alone!

Life weights.

Sometimes, life seams to much to bare.
I want to throw my hands up and scream for all to hear.
I'm not aloud to though must keep my composure, must paint a smile on. Have to rip myself out of bed every day to go on.
   I don't know if bad luck streaks are real but, I do think mine should be about over. I know that life is a lot of what you make it but, those things I can't make, or control or fix drive me close to mad. The wheels in my head turn  and turn and if I cant fix it I feel deep sadness or anger. You know what I mean? Those big life changing things you cant fix or change...deaths, money problems, life stresses.....They are all the burdens of our lives. They like to strike us all at once and weigh us down....they hurt my shoulders and make me feel lost and helpless. I personally can barely handle this feeling. I don't like things I can't fix or can't help ....I find myself lost in a few of these situations right now. 
I'm doing my best which doesn't seam to be enough sometimes....why can't I do more? I think some people expect me to do more sometimes at the snap of a finger to change things in my life, things I really can't. I already have feelings of helplessness so I don't need to be pushed. 
I know you must be lost in my ranting of feelings by now and for that I am sorry. I have too much flowing threw my mind right now. Sometimes it just needs to come out. 
On top of everything Anxiety likes to creep up on me when times seam to be worse. These things I can't control make it all seam worse they make life seam unbearable no matter what I do.
In the end, when I calm down and stop being so upset...I hope everyone knows I am doing the best I can and I mean well....
I hope those special to me know how much I care and value them and even when I am going threw a rough time and seam so upset I could not ever make it threw without them.
I guess keeping your head up, keeping good energy flowing, never giving up and moving on is the only thing you can do....
 

Stop feeding my demons.

Do you know what I find horrible? 

    When you are already feeling down and icky. You know? Just one of those moods that you sometimes get stuck in? While you feel this way, people from everywhere seem to make it worse. Whatever happened to a little understanding among humans?? I am human, you are human WE ARE ALL HUMAN....Why do we continue to judge people based on the little facts we think we know about them? I can not begin to understand why. It seams like every time I am feeling down or going through a rough faze, people love to talk about me. They love to say things behind my back. They tell everyone else they issues with me....except me..... This I do not understand. I am not one of those people that leaves issues unsolved. I can not solve an issue if I am not aware of it. So this is when I say: Stop feeding my demons! I am already hard enough on my self, with my looks and my weight. I already worry about what people think about me. I don't need people to talk about me behind my back. If you have an issue say it. Don't talk about it with everyone else but the person you have it with. I cant stand it. I know I am venting, people will probably judge for that. Oh my gosh she has feelings??! HOW HORRIBLE. ugg. Kinda makes me sick to my stomach.
I guess no one cares to take the time to get to know me and better understand why I do what I do. I have been threw so much in my life and don't need people judging me for it. I dont judge people, I get to know them as a person. I can't do that if they don't give me that chance.I know everyone has a story to be heard. I respect that. Why cant I get that back? I guess I don't understand........I am human. I am not perfect. I do not want to be. I accept people how they are. I have an open mind. I just don't understand what some people find so wrong with me?
As you can see I am not having the best week. I feel like all I am getting is bad news. Its the kind of week where you want to hide under a rock and just stay there. Forever.

 

This is me and my Grandpa Castor, I must have been about five or six years old. My Grandpa was an amazing man. He started a business and helped so many people, with what he had. I miss him a lot this week. I don't know whats got it on my mind but, I miss him. I went and saw his grave sight today, it's been forever since I have been. It felt good to go, I was having a horrible day and I got there and say down in front of his grave. A wind blew and a calm seamed to come over me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I regret not telling My Grandpa how much I loved him. I am often upset I never got to say good bye because he suffered a sudden illness.....Death is such a hard topic to discuss and many people probably hate to read about it. I am not trying to stir up feelings of sadness or, pity. I am simply sharing. I was so excited when my cousin found this picture on her computer. I added the words and the heart. I love how we are standing, we look so over whatever it is that is going on. When I look at this picture, I see the old army jeep that took us on so many adventures. My cousins and I would pile in the back and my grandpa would take us mudding in the woods. We all held on and laughed so hard and had a great time. I remember one time when we where done with our adventure all of our faces where covered in mud! It was so awesome! These memories are the ones I hold dear to my heart and make me smile when I think of them. Some days I wish I could just go back, and relive one of those memories and tell him how much fun I had with him.Hopefully he just knew, by the smiles on our faces how much fun it was.

I love you Grandpa <3

It's been too long!

Hello everyone!

It's been way to long since I have written!!

I graduated from LNA class a couple weeks ago!!

I am well on my way to getting a new very decent job :) I am so excited and I must say proud of myself!!

I did something I thought I could never ever do!! 

I have been completely humbled by the whole experience....To see people who have no choice but to let others take care of them....its completely humbling. It has taught me to never judge another for the disabilities they may have or the way they may act. No matter what they do, they can't help who they are or how they are. I have found something that lets me use all of my gifts. This makes me think of how many people I have known, that do not know how to use there gifts.

If you have been given a gift, an ability or something special use it!! It is meant to be shared and used ! I am thankful I have been taken down a path where I can use mine. Its feels fantastic!!

Go out there and see what life has to offer!!

Persevere

Persevere: continued effort in spite of discouragement.
This word has been stuck in my mind lately. That is mostly a good thing because it's reminding me to never stop on this journey I have begun....to never give up no matter how hard it may be. Keeping my eyes on the goal and not worrying about the things on the side lines. When things get stressful it's human to want to give up, quit run away. We instantly  think we can never achieve what we set out to do in the first place. The word persevere keeps us going, this is what we must do in challenging times. We cant let the upsets win or get in our way. I continue to Persevere to become an LNA and continue my education after that...it's not always easy there have been days where I doubt myself and begin to wonder if I can do it at all. The word persevere and putting it into action is helping me to get threw to do what I need to do to achieve happiness and success.  In the long run, I am so proud of myself for how well I have done and how far I have come. three more weeks and I will be done, able to take the state test and officially   call myself an LNA. I can't wait, I know this will bring me to better things and put me on the right path. 
Hope you enjoyed reading :)
Heather.